Where do we go from here?

I started my first Clomid cycle a few weeks ago. I have some mixed emotions about it. One the one hand, I know I need "tweaking" so it is perfectly acceptable to start treatment. However, part of me feels like I am taking control out of God's hands into my own. Part of me is excited about this next step but my heart hurts that I couldn't do it on my own. It took us 1 year to conceive Caleb but for some reason, I thought this time would be different. I am trying to stay realistic this cycle. I am afraid to get my hopes up and then have my heart stattered days later. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I go in for bloodwork tomorrow to confirm that I ovulated. That is step number 1.

Next step!

I am now making this blog into a TTC (trying to conceive) blog. So be aware! If you don't want to read about cervical mucous, OPKs and things of that nature then stop now! You have been warned!

We are now in our 3rd month of trying to conceive baby #2. Michael and I have decided that now is the time for the "full court press" (charting and OPKs). If you are interested in following my chart you can either click here:My Ovulation Chart or you can click on my ticker at the top of the page. I am very excited to start this next step. I charted while trying to get pregnant with Caleb and I liked knowing my body and my ovulation cycle. I bought the 20 pack of the "First response" ovulation kits. I never had luck with OPKs before but it was probably because I didn't ovulate until day 28 on some cycles. I hope this time will not be as frustrating as before. I know that I am not as stressed this time around. I know it can take a while and I am not holding hope each cycle. I might be changing my tune in 6 months but for now, I am trying to take it in stride.

Caleb is doing so much better sleeping. We can put him down awake now and he will fall asleep on his own He still like to lay with me during the day when it is time for a nap but I am fine with that.

Two years ago..

Two years ago yesterday is the day I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. It doesn't seem that long ago. After a year of trying, I am now blessed with an amazing 16 month old. It's amazing!

Michael and I are now trying for baby #2. I am excited but I am also afraid of the process. I am trying to be realistic and preparing myself for a long journey. I remember the feeling of failure each month we didn't conceive and I don't want to go through that again. I am going to try and take it in stride and hope to be surprised :)

I can't sleep

I have a lot on my mind right now. Today has been a pretty rough day. I was thinking about my ex-best friend today. I miss her right now and I feel like I failed her. We left things on horrible terms and we haven't spoke in about 5 years. I don't know what I did to hurt her so badly but it was enough for her to not come to my wedding and not speak to me. Well, we did speak once about 3 years ago and she said that she wasn't "that mad" anymore but she never called me back to work it out. I felt at peace then. I don't know why I am thinking about her now after all of these years. I realize now that I have never had a good friend since then. I have had acquaintances and friends but not the kind that I call just to chat or when something is bothering me. I know that I am putting up walls because I don't want to get hurt. I have been feeling so alone lately. I am surrounded by a group of wonderful ladies but I can't seem to open up. I feel like when I try to talk, I am trying to hard and it shows. I can't seem to be myself around anyone. I wish I could just open up and be myself and show everyone who I am, but I am so afraid to get hurt.

Sorry for the depressing post. I needed to vent to see if it would help me get some peace.

Near and Far

Let me start out by introducing my sister's blog. She is currently on a 7 week mission trip to Malawi, Africa. Please pray for her on this amazing journey. http://whatwillafricado.blogspot.com/

I started exercising again. I stepped on the scale the other day and I was shocked. I felt very disappointed in myself but that was short lived. This is just the beginning of something new. I have no set goal but I would love to be 155 by the end of the summer. I know I can do this!!

Caleb has made a habit of waking up at 2:30 in the morning throwing a fit. He throws everything out of the crib and he gets MORE upset because his crib is empty. I try my hardest to ignore this but when he is screaming for about 90 minutes, I can't take the screaming anymore. Ugh. He was doing so well. Oh well, just a phase (that is what I keep telling myself).

Michael and I are doing great. We are planning on trying for another little one next month! It's exciting to think of this next stage in our lives. We are prepared for a long, but exciting, journey ahead of us.

Praise God!

We finally got confirmation today that Michael will continue to have a job! There was a little while where he was going to be laid off on May 31st but now the weight has been lifted off our shoulders. We are very blessed because he is getting a pay increase and we will be paying less in health insurance also. I am very ready to start paying off our debt. Hopefully, we can get the credit cards paid off by the end of the year.

Caleb is starting to regress back to his old routine. It started last Wednesday when he got sick and he has been getting up at 4:30 since then. At first, I thought his stomach was still bothering him so I gave him some slack. We are now feeling better so hopefully he will sleep better. It is now 5:50 and he is still asleep so I am happy about that.

I have given up on my 4:15am work-outs (shocked anyone?). That is way to early for me to get up. I plan on getting a gym membership so Michael and I can go together. I have lost 3 lbs since doing this Biggest Loser.

Have a great day everyone! God bless.

This is the stuff..

This song perfectly describes my day yesterday:

"This Is The Stuff" By Francesca Battistelli
I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use


Caleb is doing so well sleeping! I think I have a theory to why he wakes up early. Michael and I get up early to get ready for work. I think that Caleb hears the TV in the morning and he knows we are up. SO, in the morning, we make sure his door is closed and we have the TV volume on low. It seems to have worked so far.

I think it is time for his first haircut. I had a lady or two tell me how beautiful my daughter is. I have no idea what these ladies see because he was wearing his Nike basketball outfit. I am going to procrastinate this process as long as I can. I know that the day is coming.

He is climbing over everything! We had his pack-in-play still in it's bag and we found him perched on top of it. I am thinking about getting him a chair of his own.

I gained 2 lbs this week. I expected as much. I did not stick to my diet at all over the weekend and was not able to exercise. I know this week will be better, or I hope so.

What a week!

Well, it has been an interesting week, that is for sure. Michael broke my car on Wednesday. I am, of course, joking that he broke my car but he was the person in the driver's seat when this incident occurred. My car would not shift out of park. Apparently, there is a small plastic piece in the shift column that must have broke off and now i can't park my car. I have to put the car in neutral and set the parking brake to be able to park it. At least I can drive it to work and run my necessary errands.

I got a call on Thursday morning from Michael telling me that we are going to Las Vegas for the weekend. Unfortunately, it was not for a weekend get away. It was for a last minute BBQ competition. A few weeks ago, we had a BBQ competition but we didn't make to cut to move on to the next competition. Well, some teams backed out and we were asked to come. Well, we did horrible. We took last place, which has never happened since we started doing this.

My mother's day is not what I expected it to be. I thought that my day would go like this:
Sleep in a little bit
Go to church
Go out with Michael and Caleb for brunch
Go to Michael's parent's house for a little get together they planned
Spend the rest of the day with my baby

This is how the day went :
Woke up at 6am to get the trailer loaded to leave for home. We find out the truck wouldn't start. After a service guy came out, the truck still wouldn't start. Michael was able to disconnect the alarm system so the truck would start.
9am- Breakfast at Carl's Jr. Yuck
10 am- Finally on the road home.
Spend 8 hours in the car with a screaming toddler. I don't blame him too much. 8 hours in the car with small amounts of time running around will get to anyone. Nothing I brought would keep him calm for long. In hindsight, I should have brought my portable DVD player with a few videos for him but this trip was such a last minute thing that I didn't think about it.
Around 4-5 hours in the trip, I was presented with my Mother's day gift in the car. It was a digital photos frames!! I love it.
2:30- We finally stop for lunch at Jack-in-the-box. I don't know why we didn't stop sooner but I was so glad to be able to get food in Caleb's tummy. Michael and I were so upset that his parent's would not stop earlier.
6pm- Finally home. I cooked dinner and then got ready for bed.

Whew. I know Michael tried his best in the situation but I wished I was home for mother's day.

Today is my first weigh-in. I know that I probably gained weight. I was eating horribly this weekend with no chance to exercise. All I can is move on and hope that his week is better.

Frustrated.

I have this unrealistic idea that when I started working out that my weight would just melt away. I was almost at my goal weight when I was breast feeding and I did nothing. I ate junk food and I did not work-out. I know that I am only on my second day of this new routine but how did I gain 2 lbs overnight?? I don't know what else to say about it. I usually think of myself as a patient person but why can I just be happy that I am trying to be healthier? Why do I only think of my success as a number? I ran 3 miles today on my elliptical. Why can I not be happy about that achievement? It also did not help that yesterday, my co-worker brought cake and muffins to work. I joined "The Biggest Loser" at my work. I am praying this gives me the motivation I need to keep track on my diet.

Work has been absolutely insane. I didn't get home till 6:30 last night. It seems I am staying later and later each week. I can't complain because I am making more money now and it will help will the bills. I just want to be home with my boy. That's all I want.

Caleb is doing great with his sleeping. He doesn't cry as long or as loud as before. This is going much easier than I would have thought. He is getting more active which is wonderful. However, it is getting to the point where I am thinking of getting a baby-sitter for Tuesday nights while hubby and I are at small group. I feel that we are not able to be fully engaged in the study because Caleb is running around and getting into things. I would like someone to be home with him to give him his bath and put him to bed at a decent time. I can't think of anyone that would do this for me. I don't want to ask my in-laws because they watch him a lot, and most of my friends go to group on Tuesdays. Oh well, something else on my to-do list.

Looking ahead

I started my work-out today. I got up at 4:30am to start my weight loss journey. This morning I weighed 163.5 lbs. My goal is to weigh 150 lbs. I would love to be 140-145lbs but I don't know if that is realistic or not.
I only planned to do a 30 minute work-out . I ran 2.58 miles in 15 minutes and I did 15 minutes of ab work. This is just the first step. Hopefully I will be able to run 45 minutes without stopping in the near future.
I am looking at doing some classes at the YMCA so if anyone is interested in joining me, I would love a work-out partner. I am thinking about joining The Biggest Loser at work.
Caleb has been sleeping better. He is getting another tooth so he is a bit cranky. I was able to work-out, get ready for work, eat breakfast without being disturbed. It's great.

Here we go again..

I thought by now I would get this sleeping thing on track. We were doing great, until after he weaned. He wakes up at 5am (usually 4:30ish) and is awake. He would then crash at 8:30. My wonderful friends from small group gave me some encouraging advice. I am so glad I have friends who tell me what I need to hear. I decided to gradually get him used to not getting out of his crib until 6:30am. First stage: He is staying in his room until 5:30am. So, on Tuesday night and I turned off the baby monitor in our room. He woke up at 4am. He cried until 5 and then fell back asleep. He woke up again at 5:30 so I took him into my room so I could sleep a little longer. Well, we slept until 9am.
It is now 6:10am and he has not made a noise yet. I hope he keeps this up. I would like to get up and work out in the morning but I need to get him used to his new schedule first.

We are going camping tomorrow. I am very excited. I love camping and this is Caleb's first overnight camping trip. It's going to be a blast!

Blessings!

I got a raise at work yesterday!! I was shocked because I thought it was never going to happen. I get paid directly from my boss's paycheck so I never thought he would decide to give up more money. Michael and I have been struggling financially lately but it seems like things are starting to turn around. Michael is getting a new contract and he is getting a raise with that. We started tithing a couple of months ago. I have felt tempted a few times to not tithe the full amount that we are called to do because of the bank account. However, we have been faithful and I feel like God is providing for us. I hope very soon that we can start paying off our credit cards. I would LOVE to have no credit card debt by the end of this year.

My sleep monster

I seriously believe my sweet little boy is working for the government to do sleep deprivation torture on unsuspecting civilians. This kid will only do short 30 minute cat naps in his crib about twice a day. However if you hold him he will sleep a little bit longer. The past couple of night he has been getting up almost every hour standing up in his crib screaming. It is a little funny at first but the humor quickly goes away at 3 am.

I have tried everything. I am not a fan of the "cry it out" method but I have done Ferber with some success. I blame myself for this little monster I created. Let's be honest, I HATE hearing him cry. The first few nights of doing the Ferber method were torture. I didn't get any sleep which made me question why I was doing it in the first place. The reason why I am doing this is so I can get sleep right? I would always make an excuse why I needed to pick up my boy. I would say, "Well, he is teething so he needs a little extra TLC." or "He is sick". When I mean "sick" i am talking about maybe a stuffy nose.

The Ferber worked ok for a while until one of my excuses came up. Then I would go back to rocking him back to sleep. Don't get me wrong, I love rocking him to sleep. I know that soon he won't want me to hold him. I know that is the reason for his lack of sleep. He likes to be held when its time for bed. I just don't know what to do. I know he needs to learn to soothe himself but its hard when he is standing up in his crib screaming for any period of time. He calms down after i hold him and he will go back to sleep but if I put him down, he screams again.

Michael and I no longer take night shifts because it is impossible for 1 person to take over 1 night and still be able to get up in the morning to go to work. I am probably going to try Ferber again. I know I can't keep going on 2 hours of sleep forever.