Two years ago..

Two years ago yesterday is the day I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. It doesn't seem that long ago. After a year of trying, I am now blessed with an amazing 16 month old. It's amazing!

Michael and I are now trying for baby #2. I am excited but I am also afraid of the process. I am trying to be realistic and preparing myself for a long journey. I remember the feeling of failure each month we didn't conceive and I don't want to go through that again. I am going to try and take it in stride and hope to be surprised :)

I can't sleep

I have a lot on my mind right now. Today has been a pretty rough day. I was thinking about my ex-best friend today. I miss her right now and I feel like I failed her. We left things on horrible terms and we haven't spoke in about 5 years. I don't know what I did to hurt her so badly but it was enough for her to not come to my wedding and not speak to me. Well, we did speak once about 3 years ago and she said that she wasn't "that mad" anymore but she never called me back to work it out. I felt at peace then. I don't know why I am thinking about her now after all of these years. I realize now that I have never had a good friend since then. I have had acquaintances and friends but not the kind that I call just to chat or when something is bothering me. I know that I am putting up walls because I don't want to get hurt. I have been feeling so alone lately. I am surrounded by a group of wonderful ladies but I can't seem to open up. I feel like when I try to talk, I am trying to hard and it shows. I can't seem to be myself around anyone. I wish I could just open up and be myself and show everyone who I am, but I am so afraid to get hurt.

Sorry for the depressing post. I needed to vent to see if it would help me get some peace.

Near and Far

Let me start out by introducing my sister's blog. She is currently on a 7 week mission trip to Malawi, Africa. Please pray for her on this amazing journey. http://whatwillafricado.blogspot.com/

I started exercising again. I stepped on the scale the other day and I was shocked. I felt very disappointed in myself but that was short lived. This is just the beginning of something new. I have no set goal but I would love to be 155 by the end of the summer. I know I can do this!!

Caleb has made a habit of waking up at 2:30 in the morning throwing a fit. He throws everything out of the crib and he gets MORE upset because his crib is empty. I try my hardest to ignore this but when he is screaming for about 90 minutes, I can't take the screaming anymore. Ugh. He was doing so well. Oh well, just a phase (that is what I keep telling myself).

Michael and I are doing great. We are planning on trying for another little one next month! It's exciting to think of this next stage in our lives. We are prepared for a long, but exciting, journey ahead of us.

Praise God!

We finally got confirmation today that Michael will continue to have a job! There was a little while where he was going to be laid off on May 31st but now the weight has been lifted off our shoulders. We are very blessed because he is getting a pay increase and we will be paying less in health insurance also. I am very ready to start paying off our debt. Hopefully, we can get the credit cards paid off by the end of the year.

Caleb is starting to regress back to his old routine. It started last Wednesday when he got sick and he has been getting up at 4:30 since then. At first, I thought his stomach was still bothering him so I gave him some slack. We are now feeling better so hopefully he will sleep better. It is now 5:50 and he is still asleep so I am happy about that.

I have given up on my 4:15am work-outs (shocked anyone?). That is way to early for me to get up. I plan on getting a gym membership so Michael and I can go together. I have lost 3 lbs since doing this Biggest Loser.

Have a great day everyone! God bless.

This is the stuff..

This song perfectly describes my day yesterday:

"This Is The Stuff" By Francesca Battistelli
I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use


Caleb is doing so well sleeping! I think I have a theory to why he wakes up early. Michael and I get up early to get ready for work. I think that Caleb hears the TV in the morning and he knows we are up. SO, in the morning, we make sure his door is closed and we have the TV volume on low. It seems to have worked so far.

I think it is time for his first haircut. I had a lady or two tell me how beautiful my daughter is. I have no idea what these ladies see because he was wearing his Nike basketball outfit. I am going to procrastinate this process as long as I can. I know that the day is coming.

He is climbing over everything! We had his pack-in-play still in it's bag and we found him perched on top of it. I am thinking about getting him a chair of his own.

I gained 2 lbs this week. I expected as much. I did not stick to my diet at all over the weekend and was not able to exercise. I know this week will be better, or I hope so.

What a week!

Well, it has been an interesting week, that is for sure. Michael broke my car on Wednesday. I am, of course, joking that he broke my car but he was the person in the driver's seat when this incident occurred. My car would not shift out of park. Apparently, there is a small plastic piece in the shift column that must have broke off and now i can't park my car. I have to put the car in neutral and set the parking brake to be able to park it. At least I can drive it to work and run my necessary errands.

I got a call on Thursday morning from Michael telling me that we are going to Las Vegas for the weekend. Unfortunately, it was not for a weekend get away. It was for a last minute BBQ competition. A few weeks ago, we had a BBQ competition but we didn't make to cut to move on to the next competition. Well, some teams backed out and we were asked to come. Well, we did horrible. We took last place, which has never happened since we started doing this.

My mother's day is not what I expected it to be. I thought that my day would go like this:
Sleep in a little bit
Go to church
Go out with Michael and Caleb for brunch
Go to Michael's parent's house for a little get together they planned
Spend the rest of the day with my baby

This is how the day went :
Woke up at 6am to get the trailer loaded to leave for home. We find out the truck wouldn't start. After a service guy came out, the truck still wouldn't start. Michael was able to disconnect the alarm system so the truck would start.
9am- Breakfast at Carl's Jr. Yuck
10 am- Finally on the road home.
Spend 8 hours in the car with a screaming toddler. I don't blame him too much. 8 hours in the car with small amounts of time running around will get to anyone. Nothing I brought would keep him calm for long. In hindsight, I should have brought my portable DVD player with a few videos for him but this trip was such a last minute thing that I didn't think about it.
Around 4-5 hours in the trip, I was presented with my Mother's day gift in the car. It was a digital photos frames!! I love it.
2:30- We finally stop for lunch at Jack-in-the-box. I don't know why we didn't stop sooner but I was so glad to be able to get food in Caleb's tummy. Michael and I were so upset that his parent's would not stop earlier.
6pm- Finally home. I cooked dinner and then got ready for bed.

Whew. I know Michael tried his best in the situation but I wished I was home for mother's day.

Today is my first weigh-in. I know that I probably gained weight. I was eating horribly this weekend with no chance to exercise. All I can is move on and hope that his week is better.

Frustrated.

I have this unrealistic idea that when I started working out that my weight would just melt away. I was almost at my goal weight when I was breast feeding and I did nothing. I ate junk food and I did not work-out. I know that I am only on my second day of this new routine but how did I gain 2 lbs overnight?? I don't know what else to say about it. I usually think of myself as a patient person but why can I just be happy that I am trying to be healthier? Why do I only think of my success as a number? I ran 3 miles today on my elliptical. Why can I not be happy about that achievement? It also did not help that yesterday, my co-worker brought cake and muffins to work. I joined "The Biggest Loser" at my work. I am praying this gives me the motivation I need to keep track on my diet.

Work has been absolutely insane. I didn't get home till 6:30 last night. It seems I am staying later and later each week. I can't complain because I am making more money now and it will help will the bills. I just want to be home with my boy. That's all I want.

Caleb is doing great with his sleeping. He doesn't cry as long or as loud as before. This is going much easier than I would have thought. He is getting more active which is wonderful. However, it is getting to the point where I am thinking of getting a baby-sitter for Tuesday nights while hubby and I are at small group. I feel that we are not able to be fully engaged in the study because Caleb is running around and getting into things. I would like someone to be home with him to give him his bath and put him to bed at a decent time. I can't think of anyone that would do this for me. I don't want to ask my in-laws because they watch him a lot, and most of my friends go to group on Tuesdays. Oh well, something else on my to-do list.